"Too many of us stay walled because we are afraid of being hurt. We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all"
-Eleanor Roosevelt
“You are, by far, the most confusing person I’ve met. And I
know I’m confusing”, said Lucas with a puzzled look on his face. “How come you
say you like that guy, when all you do is avoid him. I thought you detested him”.
Apparently, I’ve been doing everything wrong. So, I took a
shot of tequila hoping that it would help me forget that I just admitted to
someone that I am attracted to James. It’s true, I am “complicated”. More so, I
tend to overthink situations which turns out to be unhealthy. Anxiety reveals
itself like a casual friend. And here is the situation that is giving me a
headache and left me the bitter taste of cheap tequila at a college town bar: “I
am interested but, I don’t want to show it”.
“Ame, you know that that is completely counterproductive,
right?” Lucas continued arguing about my incredible lack of flirting skills.
And it hurts me to say that he is correct.
As the tequila sets in, all I think is about James and every
single detail about what I’m doing wrong. He is twelve steps away from me.
Every. Single. Day. Yet, I’m so afraid to approach him. Let’s say it’s a
mixture of not wanting to look desperate and preventing feeding his ego. It seems
like he has a big one (THE PUN IS NOT INTENDED, but take it as you will).
I’m not going to lie, James is cute. Well, he is H-O-T, in all
caps. I might be exaggerating a bit too much. However, I think he knows he is
hot and believes it. That’s the problem. It comes out as being cocky. For that
reason, I’ve created a set of strategies to help me forget that I’m attracted
to him. These include: ignoring him, being a tad bitchy, and overall act as if
I don’t care about him at all.
“He does seem kind of a douche. Very immature. I don’t think
he wants anything serious”. Wow! I think Lucas is reading my mind. Even though
I think the same, part of me feels awful for thinking that way.
Yes, I think he might be a player. Yes, he sometimes looks
too mysterious, borderline sketchy. Who knows?! May he has a one night stand
every Thursday or Friday. Perhaps the whole weekend… Why not the whole week?! Maybe
he has an STD. Maybe he is an alcoholic. Maybe he is gay? Maybe…
STOP THE NONSENSE! How can I be so quick to judge a guy that
I don’t even give myself the chance to know? I fill my mind with so many
possibilities that lead me to think that he might be a bad guy instead of
getting off my chair, walk those twelve steps, and engage in a casual conversation. That should be the normal adult thing to do.
What if he thinks I’m flirting and I make a fool of myself? “Oh,
Dear God! There you go again! You need to stop giving a damn about what other
people think of you!”. Once again, Lucas is right. I’ve got to admit he has real
a talent for pep talks.
So, I promise myself to solve this conundrum that I’ve easily
given up to. Why is my fear of rejection so big that prevents me from walking
such a short distance? I should never let fear take over. I wonder how many
opportunities I’ve missed due to my self-doubt and assuming things that are not
real. Building up a wall does not prevent me from being interested. All it does
is create more interest to know what’s on the other side. I don’t know if would
ever like to bear his children. All I want is to give myself the opportunity of
knowing him as a friend. Perhaps having a chat over coffee, or the water
fountain. Until then, he will just be
the interesting guy twelves steps behind me.
Song to listen to: "Bad Liar"- Selena Gomez
